What’s this about?

Shad 8 Black wants to be a screenwriter, TV showrunner, and filmmaker as a career of Hollywood dreams and aspirations that may never happen again in the future. Formerly a Conservative Christian from 2006 to 2015 (Ephraim Baptist Church for the Deaf)

WARNING NOTES: Please don’t misgender me as “He, Him, or His”. If you’re willfully disrespectful, then that’s harassment and verbal abuse.

WHY GENDER PRONOUNS? I don’t feel strongly comfortable with “the strict boundaries of cisgender pronouns”, although I was born a male. My genitals don’t necessarily define me as a cis man. My known identities are Non-Binary, Gender-Fluid, and, sometimes, Demi-Gender. I refuse to accept being verbally referred to in “he, him, his” as to “man,” “guy,” “boy,” or “dude,” or “jackass.” I don’t let strangers or anyone I know determining my gender pronouns without my permission. I initially came out “gay” to my family and classmates in high school in late 2010 during my senior year. I’ve often been misunderstood and mistaken as a cis male because of society’s expectations, religious belief systems, and standards. I don’t fit in with social norms and standards of heterosexism and religious beliefs. I never consider myself a “manly man” “and many name-calling labels because of what I was born with. No matter how I acted, posed, or expressed my behavior in your vocabulary definition of what makes a “real man.” I don’t believe in the “real man” concept because it’s TOXIC as fuck! You don’t get to say “you are not a real man” or “act like a man, act like it!” “Why can’t you be a real man? Grow up! ” No, no, no, and no! I simply disagreed. Just because I’m sexually attracted to cis men doesn’t make me a real man. You don’t get to decide what’s a man and what’s not. It’s my personal business, nothing else! You’re not in control of my gender identity because it’s not about you. Why should it be about you, anyway? What do you care? It’s NOT my problem if you’re not comfortable. I don’t seek approvals or acceptance from you. I know you don’t!

HOW DO I DRESS DAILY? I had to stay in men’s clothing as a result of transphobic society and social pressures. Sometimes, I felt like such a hypocrite because I didn’t stand up enough for myself and others. I wish I had enough confidence many years ago. Anyone, who did stand up and fight for their rights, I adore you. You’re braver and bolder than me. You should consider yourself lucky because you’re you! Yes, men can wear skirts! Skirts don’t have any gender!

MORE ON GENDER & SEXUALITY: When I say I’m sexually OR romantically attracted to cis men, I mean, I can date them. But I won’t lie to you. I enjoy exploring the ideas of dating trans women or trans men or something in between. I don’t normally find cis women attractive in a physical sense, but if you want to know my secrets. Okay, I’ll tell you because I’m an open book. Two cis women on the internet are very physically attractive: Lily Carter and Skin Diamond. Yeah, I know it sounds ironic because you think I’m a closeted sexist or fetishist from a negative perspective. I’m NOT physically attracted to cis women, but emotionally, yes. I’m EMOTIONALLY attracted to their intelligence and ways of thinking. Their independent, feminist thoughts. I don’t have problems with feminists. It’s just that sometimes I hate how they viewed me in a negative light. They automatically see me as a cis man when we first met, period. They don’t care if I’m a Non-Binary. They’ll always see me as a default of misogyny no matter what. I’ve told women that I support abortion rights and equal pay wages, but when it comes to creative differences in professional collaborations and belief systems in positions of power or employment. There was only one cis man in Rochester, New York, as I’ve always been in love with him for 10 years now. Sometimes, I fantasized about being his wife or “trans woman,” but I decided not to change my sex just because I feel about him. Most transgender people don’t need to change their gender identities for someone they think they’re in love with. They just want to be themselves, not to please their lovers, or seeking their approval. So, therefore I have to be VERY careful with how I want to use my gender identity. I don’t want people to think, “Oh, you want to be a woman because you could go pass as a woman, going into bathrooms with real women. You want to braid down these women’s hair, giggling and gossiping about your man-crush or Prince Charming.” I was afraid of consistent stigmas and targets putting on my back. That’s okay. I like being me anyway.

DO I BELIEVE IN LOVE? I realized I shouldn’t be obsessed with finding “Mr. Right” or “love at first sight” because it’s hard to find these days. I realized that love is not something I can afford to find. Love is NOT cheap, but a very complicated thing. So I learned to turn off my romantic feelings in general settings, even when I still do, and it’s because of the painful experiences and rejections. I decided I should be “demi-romantic” to protect my heart from over-the-top bullshit.

MY SHADY PAST: Before you started reading my posts on this blog. I always got shunned and avoided by feminists because they heard many stories about me in my past. They automatically became afraid or felt threatened by my presence when they started working alongside me in the same place due to past traumas that they might have. Whoever is traumatized will never trust a man again. It’s NOT their fault if they actually suffer from personal traumas at the hands of men. They can’t help but are struggling to put their “trust” in men. I can’t control how or why they see me that way. I found that very heartbreaking and sad ’cause some feminists don’t want to work with me, even if I constantly RESPECT them and treat them well. Sometimes, RESPECT is not good enough for them. I do have my flaws and errors, but that doesn’t always make me a misogynist. I believe I can evolve and change for the better. No matter how many times I apologized, they always scolded me every time they are around me. They kept forgetting that I was also born in the world of male dominance and heterosexism. I was also shaped and influenced by the broken system by the time I was born in it. I don’t have the luxury of power or privilege to fix the broken system because I look like a “cis man.” This misogynistic system hurts everybody long before I was born. I grew up fatherless, too. I mean, If I have my father around me, I would have been taught to respect women better, but I didn’t. I failed those women as an adult, just like my real father failed me. I’m not asking women to feel sorry for me since I kept failing them. I don’t want your pity or sympathy. I want your respect for me that I owned it up. I want you to respect me for the flaws and errors that I acknowledge. I want you to respect me for holding myself responsible and accountable. I NEVER claim to take benefits from the white male patriarchy system, even if I wronged you. It is NOT because of the genitals I was born with. I don’t have any power to dismantle or toppling those white men who historically created the laws in high positions. So, I can’t be benefitted from “white male privilege” if I committed the same crime that white men did.

Reading my truths on this blog is the key to my freedom of multiple burdens & guilty trips. Some posts I wrote are warning triggers. Read at your own peril.

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